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Jokes

midfielder

Well-Known Member
Elon Musk to help pay for his Mars mission built a robot to be used in pubs and clubs.

The Robot will make you a drink and then talk to you at your level.

So this bloke decides to test the Robot so he goes up to the Robot and orders a drink, the drink was perfect so the Robot asks the bloke his IQ and the bloke says its 165, and the Robot starts talking about D & A sequencing, quantum mechanics, astrophysics, the new fuel supply in Spacex's new Raptor rocket engines.

Impressed the next day the same bloke goes to the bar and asks the Robot for a different drink which the Robot makes perfectly, the Robot asks whats your IQ and the bloke says 95. The Robot then starts talking about sport, shopping, how he would like a better job.

Hugely impressed the next day the bloke goes and asks for a new drink which the Robot makes perfectly again, and the Robot say whats your IQ, the Bloke replies 45…. And the Robot says voting for Trump again…
 

midfielder

Well-Known Member
A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 80 kilo blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
 

midfielder

Well-Known Member
There's this man who is on a merchant ship that hits a reef and sinks. Fortunately for him he is able to escape on a lifeboat, with his only company being a female pig and a dog. He drifts for a day or so then, with more good luck, he lands on an uninhabited tropical island. He and the animals get out of their lifeboat and after finding fresh water and some fruit he feels pretty good about his situation.

After a few weeks of living off the fresh fruit, water and anything else he can find on the island the man gets used to his life, though sadly no rescuers or other boats come to or past the island. He and the dog and the pig are okay but like anyone the man feels a bit lonely.

The weeks turn into months and still no sign of a rescue boat. The man is okay physically but his loneliness is driving him crazy. Part of this turns his sexual urges into wanting to make love to the pig. However every time he goes close to the sow the dog growls and lunges, making as if to attack him. So the castaway is left feeling very sexually frustrated.

One day, about six months after his landing on the island with the dog and the pig. he spots what looks to be some wood floating in the surf a few hundred metres out to sea. He dives into the water as he thinks perhaps its a raft...instead, to his surprise it is a beautiful woman, stark naked, lying comatose on the remains of a shipping pallet.

He somehow drags and pushes the woman and her flotsam back to the beach of his island where the dog and the pig are resting, watching him. As soon as he is able to get the naked woman onto firm land he starts to give her mouth to mouth. It takes a little while but eventually she gasps, spits out some water and her eyes open.

The man looks down at her and says "You're safe now...I rescued you from the sea. And I'm so glad you're here."

The beautiful woman looks back and says thank you, then she staggers to her feet. "I was on a ship that sank when it hit a reef...I think I'm the only survivor. Thank you again for saving my life. I wish I could pay you back for what you've done for me."

The man looks her up and down and takes in her extremely sexy body. He then smiles at her and winks knowingly. "I've been alone for six months now...and you know, actually, there is something you could do for me..."

The woman realises that her new male companion has not been with a woman for so long, and so she says "Well, I can do anything you want...anything you need..."

The man replies..."Oh thank you...now, can you take the dog for a walk so I can be alone with the pig?!"
 

Tevor

Well-Known Member
Saves $100’s going to the specialists    !!!!!!!!!!


A simplified urine test that may be relevant for blokes!!??


Go outside and pee in the garden.

If ants gather:- diabetes.

If you pee on your feet:- prostate.

if it smells like a barbecue:- cholesterol.

if when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- osteoarthritis.

if you return to your room with your penis outside your pants:- Alzheimer.
 

midfielder

Well-Known Member
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help.

I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
 

midfielder

Well-Known Member
An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” So the man goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat?”

“Leeds,” was the reply.

“And the score?”

“2-1.”

“Who scored the winning goal?”

“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.

The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back home in England about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the man decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory Man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!
 

midfielder

Well-Known Member
A middle aged man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
 

midfielder

Well-Known Member
Out of town man walks in to a Newcastle pub. All the locals go quiet and watch as he approaches the bar and orders a drink.

"So..what do you do then?" asks the bar man suspiciously.

"I'm a taxidermist" the man replies.

"A what?" says the barman.

"I stuff and mount dead animals" the man explains.

The barman looks up and addresses the rest of the pub "Its alright lads. He's one of us".
 

Ozhammer

Well-Known Member
A middle aged man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Been there, done that and got the T-shirt :headbounce:
 

midfielder

Well-Known Member
For Dibo if he still reads the forum... tis about punctuation....

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.



Commas are important too.

E.g.

Young man, to his new girlfriend's father.

"I couldn't leave her behind alone."

What he meant was "I couldn't leave her behind, alone,"
 

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