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American 'Soccerphobia'

serious14

Well-Known Member
Piss funny read, and in many of the examples you could substitute "American media pundit" for "AFL/NRL article writer".......

http://football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,2241169,00.html

The truth the soccerphobes refuse to face

Some Americans regard soccer as the devil's spawn. In reality it is as much a part of their nation as mom's apple pie

Steven Wells - January 17, 2008 3:55 PM

Soccer is a slow, boring, low-scoring, meaningless, super-sucky pseudo-sport played exclusively by lesbians, small children and homosexual Nazi psychopaths with bad haircuts. And terrorists. Children who play soccer all grow up to be "asshole incompetents" and "knock-kneed milksops" and "flopping on the ground, writhing-in-pain homos". Soccer is being forced on the American people by the sinister "global elite" secret world government. Soccer, in short, "sucks bat-cabernet off cave walls". And did we mention that it's gay?

Meet 39-year-old commodities trader, Jefferson Glapski. Jefferson runs the soccersucks.net website (slogan - "prepare for fisting, soccer participant!"). Two million visitors to soccersucks have learnt that soccer appeals to "violent hooligans, terrorists, perverts, fascists and Nazis". That youth soccer teams are "homosexual incubators". And that all soccer fans are all "self-important and self-hating freaks [who] actually fellate one another".

Meet radio show host Jim Rome. Jim - a short man with a Village People biker moustache - is the pope of soccerphobia. "My son is not playing soccer, " promises Jim. "I will hand him ice skates and a shimmering sequinned blouse before I hand him a soccer ball." Jim's soccerphobia is part of a grand tradition of crassly xenophobic, casually homophobic, tediously sexist and smugly pig-ignorant soccer-bashing in mainstream American sports journalism. As Sport Illustrated's soccer-friendly Alexander Wolff put it: "There isn't a US daily without a 'soccer stinks' beat guy".

"Their mania is in direct proportion to their insecurity," laughs Miguel Almeida, a New York-based soccer writer. "Hence its intensity. And the phenomenon pops up every time the World Cup rolls around, its reappearance as certain as swarming locusts."

Not all soccer-haters are clich-recycling hacks. Meet (right-wing) intellectual think-tanker Stephen Moore. "I am convinced," writes Stephen, "that the ordeal of soccer teaches our kids all the wrong lessons in life. Soccer is the Marxist concept of the labour theory of value applied to sports - which may explain why socialist nations dominate the World Cup."

Now before you dismiss Mr Moore as an isolated and irrelevant know-nothing right-wing bollock-talker, have a listen to his fellow Washington conservative, Mr John Derbyshire: "The very inconclusiveness of soccer is, I suspect, what has made it the pet sport of the repulsive [left-wing] bobos."

OK, but two soccer-hating American gobshites do not a sinister right-wing conspiracy make. So here's Jay Nordlingerm who claims soccer is "a project of the left, the athletic equivalent of vegetarianism". This bile is echoed in the letters pages of America's newspapers: "Soccer's slow strangulation of real sports like football needed to be stopped," rages a reader of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. "High school football programs around the country have nearly succumbed to the foreign-sports terrorism known as soccer ... Young minds and bodies are being wasted by continuing the slide into the soccer abyss."

Yes, he really did say "foreign-sports terrorism". Worse was to come. Rob Janeda wrote to the same paper, making the very reasonable point that: "As the 'global elitists' attempt to tear all parts of our 'Western European culture' away from us, such as Christmas, the Ten Commandments, the family unit, why should sports be any different? If you can replace an American game with one that is not, you have come one step closer to the fragmentation of our society."

But we've heard enough from the hoi polloi. What do America's pipe-sucking professor types make of all this hoo-ha? Meet Michael Levin, Professor of Philosophy at the City University of New York. "Soccer is 90 minutes," puffs the Prof, "of guys in green shirts kicking the ball down the field until they lose control to the guys in blue shirts, who kick it back up the field until they lose control ... until somebody is too aggressive and a penalty shot wins the game 1-0."

They don't just hand out those PhDs to anyone, do they? Meanwhile other eggheads all over America have also busted their academic nuts trying to figure out the answer to the question: Why Don't Americans Like Soccer? Oklahoma State University professor Sam Whitsitt argues that America is an acquisitive culture, which is confused by a sport where you can't use your hands. "To be an American and to play soccer are two mutually exclusive things." waffles the Prof.

And in his book Sport and American Exceptionalism, Andrei Markovits of University of California-Santa Cruz reckons that it's because soccer's inherent collectivism offends the American cult of individualism. Or something. And that's just the tip of an enormous transatlantic why-don't-Americans-like-soccer iceberg. And what have all the theories got in common? They're all bollocks.

Fifa regards the USA as the most "soccer-populous" nation on the planet, 20 million play it, blah blah blah. But more than that, soccer is infused into American mainstream culture - into its movies, sit-coms, cartoon strips and novels. Into the warp and weave of everyday American life. In some places the black-and-white-panelled soccer ball decal is nearly as ubiquitous as the stars and stripes flag. Soccer is as American as McDonald's Apple Pie. And that's what really pisses off the soccerphobes.

"There is no surer sign of the decline of America's culture than the craze over this awful European sport," boo-hoos Stephen Moore. "Drive past a park or a schoolyard on a clear spring afternoon and you're likely to witness a depressingly unpatriotic sight: the baseball diamond lies empty and crab grass grows in the infield, while herds of American children dressed in preposterous polyester uniforms run around kicking a white and black ball in no particular direction and to no apparent end."

"I remember my daily walks through my neighborhood in Washington," groans Jay Nordlinger, "where I saw the baseball diamonds grassed over with those infernal soccer fields."

Far from being un-American, soccer is fast becoming the quintessential American sport. And the time will come when, in the words of US journalist Sasha Polakow-Suransky, "the anti-soccer crowd might finally realise that their mom-and-apple-pie crusade against the beautiful game could ultimately backfire or, even worse, be labelled un-American."

America's soccerphobes no longer speak for America. They are a frightened, ignorant, embattled and increasingly bitter minority - an ugly coalition of young fogies, laddish homophobes, snarling misogynists, neo-con nogoodniks and gobbledygook-spewing, tin-foil-hat-wearing, knuckle-gnawing nutjobs. And let's not forget the ever-present and always unfunny comedy-of-conformity-spewing sports hacks.

In July 2004, Sports Illustrated ran an article - Not Our Cup Of Tea - by long-term soccer-basher Frank Deford. "Here's the nasty down-home American reality," wrote Frank, "Far from being graceful, soccer appears, in fact, awkward. You can't sweetly control a ball using feet and head any more than you can drive a car fast with your nose and knees. We value efficiency in the United States. Soccer is inefficient."

Soccer, wrote Frank, will never, ever catch on in America. He was then buried under an avalanche of letters from his fellow Americans, most of whom quietly and politely pointed out that Frank was talking absolute bollocks - because it already has. "There is nothing more American than kicking a foreigner in the shins, delivering an elbow to the jaw, knocking him on his backside and beating him at his own game. You just don't get that sort of opportunity in most American sports," wrote one reader.

In breaking news the arrival of Beckham and her husband in the US has caused a further terrified tightening of the soccerphobe sphincter. Hey, can you spell "fear of penetration"?

:goodpost:
 

Tassiemariner

Well-Known Member
:piralaugh: :piralaugh: this soccersucks.net is the funniest website of all time.

Some reasons why soccer sucks from this website.
Soccer counts time up.
Soccer cheering has no point.
The correct term for 0 is zero, not nil.
Soccer participants with one name
Soccer uses witch doctors.

and my personal favourite
Soccer apologists say the reason it is not popular in the US is because it wasn't invented in the US.
First, soccer originated from the North American game called pasuckuakohowog several hundred years before the British played something resembling it.

WTF!!
 
S

soccersensei

Guest
Hands up children, who knows who is the dumbest country on earth?

and the evidence just keeps mounting....

(thanks Serious - enjoyed that)

:goodpost:
 

FFC Mariner

Well-Known Member
And the Iraqi's national game is???

Yep, you guessed it, Sokka.

GB gets to kill Islamic children, line the pockets of his VP (Haliburton), give his oil industry buddies a leg up and persecute a football culture.

Killing off America's poor who enlisted to escape his social policies is just an added bonus.
 

MattSimon

Well-Known Member
From the site:
"The 'World' Cup is not the a World's Cup, but a competition among 32 countries, disproportionately allotted to European countries."

EVEN IF you disregard the lengthy qualification process that each region take part in (hell American Samoa even has a crack), how about a little comparison?

World Cup (finals) - 32 countries
World Series (baseball) - 29 clubs based in the United States and 1 club from Canada. <-- worst case of false advertising since the movie "The Neverending Story" (L. Hutts).

From the site:
"Ties: 55% of games are ties."

Incorrect. 40% of games are ties, 25% are shirts, and 35% are jackets.
 

Atomic

Well-Known Member
Also from the site...

Why soccer sucks... "Why not use your hands? Or your brain?".

(A question that the author should pose to himself)
 

kevrenor

Well-Known Member
skilbeck said:
"Soccer apologists say the reason it is not popular in the US is because the US is not any good at that activity. The US soccer team won the World Cup in 1991 and 1999"

lol
Women's
 

skilbeck

Well-Known Member
kevrenor said:
skilbeck said:
"Soccer apologists say the reason it is not popular in the US is because the US is not any good at that activity. The US soccer team won the World Cup in 1991 and 1999"

lol
Women's

yeah forgot about it ooops  :ashamed: :ashamed: :ashamed:
 

skilbeck

Well-Known Member
"The World Series does invite participation from EVERYONE in the world. It transcends all borders, as anyone can join the major leagues (except those communist countries like Cuba that imprison their citizens). The same is not true with the World Cup, which invites but a few teams and those teams are disproportionately European."
 
S

soccersensei

Guest
Greenpoleffc said:
And the Iraqi's national game is???

Yep, you guessed it, Sokka.

GB gets to kill Islamic children, line the pockets of his VP (Haliburton), give his oil industry buddies a leg up and persecute a football culture.

Killing off America's poor who enlisted to escape his social policies is just an added bonus.

VIVA LA REVOLUTION EL GREENPOLEH!!!  :eek:verhead: :eek:verhead: :eek:verhead:
 

rosko

Well-Known Member
Now guys before we look as silly as our friends over the water... The 'World' Series baseball dates back to I dont know when.. The original Final between the two leagues, National and American, was sponsored by the 'World' newspaper, hence 'The World Series', and has carried over ever since...  ;D
 

MattSimon

Well-Known Member
rosko said:
Now guys before we look as silly as our friends over the water... The 'World' Series baseball dates back to I dont know when.. The original Final between the two leagues, National and American, was sponsored by the 'World' newspaper, hence 'The World Series', and has carried over ever since...  ;D

http://roadsidephotos.com/baseball/name.htm
 

rosko

Well-Known Member
On you Matty! You learn something every day... My last chance for sticking up for our friends in the US is gone...
 

MattSimon

Well-Known Member
rosko said:
On you Matty! You learn something every day... My last chance for sticking up for our friends in the US is gone...
Haha good to hear Rosko. Although if I spent less time trolling and more time at shooting practice, I might actually be putting a few goals away on weekends! Off to training now, McKinna's on my back
 
P

Pete

Guest
1) Football was around LONG before the American Football got started (Grid Iron started around the same time as Rugby League - early 20th Century)

2) American Football only came around because the US President threatened to ban all forms of football (think Rugby Union) at US Colleges because players were getting debilitating injuries. (In other words, American Football is a version of football that was invented so people won't get hurt - and they have the hide to call Football 'gay'!)

3) Of all the football codes throughout the world, Football has the largest participation from junior to senior ranks and in professional competitions, period. American Football, AFL NRL, Rugby Union, Gaelic Football are all poor second cousins in terms of $$$ earnings for the players, $$$ in corporate sponsorships worldwide.

4)If there's one sport you want to play and be able to travel the globe and pick up a game anywhere, it's Football. No other code can boast that.
 

rosko

Well-Known Member
The NFL hasn't even been around as long as the NRL... They are only in their 80th season or so.... The USA is the reigning Olympic Rugby champions... 'Apparently'...
Football is without doubt the 'only' world wide 'football code'.. It is laughable that anyone would even try to challenge that...
 

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