serious14
Well-Known Member
Isn't well written satire grand?? ;D
http://www.smh.com.au/news/sport/richard-hinds/2009/06/12/1244664847668.html?page=fullpage#contentSwap1
PIM VERBEEK walked briskly into the team meeting with the morning newspapers tucked under his arm.
"IPods off and Game Boys down, gentlemen - I have some disturbing news," the coach said.
"You're still going to have that comb-over in South Africa?" Harry Kewell asked.
"No, well, yes, but that's not the news," Verbeek said gravely. "According to the papers we are boring."
There were outraged cries and Mile Sterjovski made a lunge toward the newspapers, only to be blocked by Mark Schwarzer.
"Settle down, lads, it's right here in black and white," Verbeek said. " 'Dull', 'unimaginative', 'bland'. They reckon we are about as exciting as repeats of Home Shopping."
Lucas Neill jumped to his feet.
"But, Boss, aren't the people saying we're boring the same ones who go into apoplexy when some second-rater stumbles over his bootlaces and accidentally knocks in a penalty rebound during an A-League game? The ones who knew that confronting the massive travel challenges and time zone and climate changes in the Asian qualifying zone would require more backbone than razzle-dazzle? Wasn't our first attempt to qualify by this route always going to be an ends-justifies-the-means job?"
Verbeek brushed several rogue strands back over his skull.
"Well, that's what they told me," he shook his head sadly. "Bloody typical. Guus teaches Chelsea to defend and they build a statue at Stamford Bridge. I drop a couple of midfielders back and I'm the worst thing to happen to Australian soccer since Andy Paschalidis's moustache."
"So we just ignore them, Boss, and keep putting the results on the board?" said Schwarzer, taking off on the wrong foot, leaping headlong at a table and swatting away a fly before it could land on Jason Culina's muffin.
"That was the original plan," Verbeek said. "Because our qualifying games were on Foxtel and not many people could see them it did not seem to matter how we did the job. But, unfortunately, the FFA is starting to take notice of the malcontents in the media and we have to make some changes."
"More attacking formation, Gaffer?" Scott McDonald asked. "It does get a bit lonely up front."
"Yes, we'll be moving away from 4-2-3-1 and going with a 1-1-8 shape against Japan," Verbeek said. "But what they really want is some pizazz. Like, say, the French."
Vince Grella looked up from his I-Phone.
"Says here on the FIFA website the French are second in their group and struggling to qualify."
"Doesn't matter," Verbeek said. "From now on, the Socceroos are going to be all about style and less about substance. For a start, I will need at least six of you to go the full Brazilian. Single-word name - preferably ending with an 'o'."
"Mmm, Bresciano-o," said Mark Bresciano. "I'm in."
Verbeek began scrawling formations on the white board.
"Next, more entertaining goal celebrations. Against Japan you'll do the one where the scorer pretends to have a gun and shoots the other players, the boxing-with-the-corner-flag thing and the one where you're on all fours like dogs and cock your legs. We'll worry about the goals later."
Verbeek dropped his marking pen and Schwarzer flew from the back of the room and grabbed it before it could hit the floor.
"Thanks Mark," Verbeek said. "But I'm afraid I'm leaving you out of the next game. All those clean sheets are boring. You won't be starting against Japan either Timmy Cahill, although we will need you at half-time."
"Motivational speech, Boss?" Cahill asked.
"Not quite," said Verbeek. "Remember how Noel Gallagher said you had a slappable face and he would like to 'kick you in the bollocks'? You'll be going three rounds with him during the break. All part of the exciting new Socceroos entertainment package!"
Grella was ashen faced.
"Geez, Boss," he said. "What next? Jugglers? Clowns? Men on stilts?"
"Well, actually, we've been trialling the last bit with Josh Kennedy for some time. But I'll be handing out the red noses and juggling balls during the pre-match on Wednesday."
Grella did not look convinced. "But, Boss, we qualified for the World Cup. Just the second time in history. Isn't that enough?"
"Not any more," Verbeek said. "You know what the soccer experts say. Winning is not the only thing. In fact, it's not anything."
http://www.smh.com.au/news/sport/richard-hinds/2009/06/12/1244664847668.html?page=fullpage#contentSwap1
PIM VERBEEK walked briskly into the team meeting with the morning newspapers tucked under his arm.
"IPods off and Game Boys down, gentlemen - I have some disturbing news," the coach said.
"You're still going to have that comb-over in South Africa?" Harry Kewell asked.
"No, well, yes, but that's not the news," Verbeek said gravely. "According to the papers we are boring."
There were outraged cries and Mile Sterjovski made a lunge toward the newspapers, only to be blocked by Mark Schwarzer.
"Settle down, lads, it's right here in black and white," Verbeek said. " 'Dull', 'unimaginative', 'bland'. They reckon we are about as exciting as repeats of Home Shopping."
Lucas Neill jumped to his feet.
"But, Boss, aren't the people saying we're boring the same ones who go into apoplexy when some second-rater stumbles over his bootlaces and accidentally knocks in a penalty rebound during an A-League game? The ones who knew that confronting the massive travel challenges and time zone and climate changes in the Asian qualifying zone would require more backbone than razzle-dazzle? Wasn't our first attempt to qualify by this route always going to be an ends-justifies-the-means job?"
Verbeek brushed several rogue strands back over his skull.
"Well, that's what they told me," he shook his head sadly. "Bloody typical. Guus teaches Chelsea to defend and they build a statue at Stamford Bridge. I drop a couple of midfielders back and I'm the worst thing to happen to Australian soccer since Andy Paschalidis's moustache."
"So we just ignore them, Boss, and keep putting the results on the board?" said Schwarzer, taking off on the wrong foot, leaping headlong at a table and swatting away a fly before it could land on Jason Culina's muffin.
"That was the original plan," Verbeek said. "Because our qualifying games were on Foxtel and not many people could see them it did not seem to matter how we did the job. But, unfortunately, the FFA is starting to take notice of the malcontents in the media and we have to make some changes."
"More attacking formation, Gaffer?" Scott McDonald asked. "It does get a bit lonely up front."
"Yes, we'll be moving away from 4-2-3-1 and going with a 1-1-8 shape against Japan," Verbeek said. "But what they really want is some pizazz. Like, say, the French."
Vince Grella looked up from his I-Phone.
"Says here on the FIFA website the French are second in their group and struggling to qualify."
"Doesn't matter," Verbeek said. "From now on, the Socceroos are going to be all about style and less about substance. For a start, I will need at least six of you to go the full Brazilian. Single-word name - preferably ending with an 'o'."
"Mmm, Bresciano-o," said Mark Bresciano. "I'm in."
Verbeek began scrawling formations on the white board.
"Next, more entertaining goal celebrations. Against Japan you'll do the one where the scorer pretends to have a gun and shoots the other players, the boxing-with-the-corner-flag thing and the one where you're on all fours like dogs and cock your legs. We'll worry about the goals later."
Verbeek dropped his marking pen and Schwarzer flew from the back of the room and grabbed it before it could hit the floor.
"Thanks Mark," Verbeek said. "But I'm afraid I'm leaving you out of the next game. All those clean sheets are boring. You won't be starting against Japan either Timmy Cahill, although we will need you at half-time."
"Motivational speech, Boss?" Cahill asked.
"Not quite," said Verbeek. "Remember how Noel Gallagher said you had a slappable face and he would like to 'kick you in the bollocks'? You'll be going three rounds with him during the break. All part of the exciting new Socceroos entertainment package!"
Grella was ashen faced.
"Geez, Boss," he said. "What next? Jugglers? Clowns? Men on stilts?"
"Well, actually, we've been trialling the last bit with Josh Kennedy for some time. But I'll be handing out the red noses and juggling balls during the pre-match on Wednesday."
Grella did not look convinced. "But, Boss, we qualified for the World Cup. Just the second time in history. Isn't that enough?"
"Not any more," Verbeek said. "You know what the soccer experts say. Winning is not the only thing. In fact, it's not anything."
